My Testimony

God began laying the foundations of Christianity in my life around late 2004, but like any late teen/20 something girl, it has always been a massive struggle. I think in order to understand where I’m coming from, there has to be a bit of a background history…

I was born with congenital heart defects, respiratory problems (secondary cardio pulmonary hypertension, Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome,) I was born without a left lung, without a left kidney , with portal hypertension (which made my spleen some kind of massive size), scoliocis of the spine, a very crappy renal system and just about anything else you could think of…

So, basically … I was a bit of miracle baby. Of course I grew up in and out of hospital having surgeries after surgeries and became a little atypical. I had a hard time making friends, keeping friends and not judging people for showing no regard for their own health or safety since my own health was so dear to me.

I’ve had heart surgeries, life-saving bypass surgeries and little surgeries and appointments and drs to see all through my whole entire life.  To me it’s normal, but to others, it seemed scary and therefore hard for anyone to relate to me at school. My illness is one that is not so visual. It is only sometimes you can notice my spinal defects which is mostly visible in my neck area and apart from that, I am just incredibly short (I’m 4′9″ [148cm]) … I got teased mercilessly through primary and high school to the point that I had to cease my education because I was too afraid of being there anymore as it was both physical and emotional and I got to a point where it was becoming too much of a burden to bare.

After high school (finishing at 14) I struggled through life trying to figure out what my purpose was. I got involved heavily in to groups for parents and families with Children who suffer CHD (Congenital heart defects) and I wrote with families of children of whom had the same heart defects that I do — one thing that really struck me was that these children rarely made it to their 5th bday without transplants. It scared me and made me wonder why on earth I had had such a stable time.

When I was 18, yes I’d had surgeries but apart from asthma sprays like ventolin and the occasional chest infection, I wasn’t much different from anyone else. I could function properly but was significantly slower in a physical aspect, but everything else? Perfect.

My Mum just suggested that someone was certainly watching over me!

When I turned my life to God, I realised that a lot of things happened in my life that were miracles sent from above from Him to Me to make me see the graces and the abundant blessings that He bestowed upon me, but still I found it very hard to turn away from everything I knew and just submit to His Holy Will. I was angry with God because of the way my life turned out. When I was 22 I was no more sure of what I wanted than I was at 15, or 17, or 20… I was mad because I had no direction, I had turmoils and broken friendships and depression so bad that I couldn’t even get out of bed and leave my house.

Even as a practising Catholic, I found it hard to move away from a secular lifestyle. In june 2007  I went to see a leading respiratory specialist in my country. Now, no one has ever put a time limit on me, we have never even breathed the word transplants but it has always been in the back of my mind. This respiratory specialist told me that long-term a heart transplant is what I may be looking at. Now, I don’t like to take on board what doctors say because God is the only one that can determine My Life…. so I tried not to worry, but it did get the better of me.  The rest of the year was a blur, I turned away from God pretty much until the end of 2007. I was not practising what I was preaching. I was turning up to Mass but I was getting nothing. I couldn’t even find the words to pray… I felt like a fraud… I wished so much that I had someone in my life for once, that would just understand the way I feel with my medical stuff. I couldn’t talk about the appointment with anyone because it made others feel so uncomfortable, no one knew how to relate or how to comfort me and so they simply said, “Dont worry about something that you don’t know will even have to happen” … That’s marginalising an issue and it made me angry and sad.

In November 2008, I sought out the counsel of a fellow Catholic friend. We spent time together, went to confession where I spent almost 30 min in the confessional with the most wonderful priest that I had ever corresponded with. We talked about the things I had done, my concerns, my worries and my fears and I had a moment where I was down on my knees where an incredible warmth surrounded me. My friends had always talked about those moments where they knew Jesus was present, where they felt his love and compassion — but I figured maybe I wasn’t doing it right because I’d never had it and it made me feel so sad. It didn’t help that my parish sported a very liberal priest who had confused me and disallowed me from making a Holy and contrite confession from day one, and also his teachings and beliefs were of his own and not of the church (Noahs Ark is just a story for children! The blood and water did not gush from Christ’s side, it’s metaphoric! Er… ok?)

But at that moment, I just became so overwhelmed that I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed as the priest consoled me. I left the confessional and sat with my friend before the altar. I felt relief, and that enshrounding love that I cannot even begin to explain. I began to pick up the pieces of my life that were shattered around me. I knew I needed to get off the fence, so to speak. I was living a double life – a secular one and a Christian one and I knew it had to be one or the other. I remembered what my life was like before Christ and there was no way I wanted to go back to that.

I reflected back on my history… someone told me that God had always been there with me, he chose me for a reason… but I never believed it… but looking back on it… the following things stood out.

–When I was 12, I was having a life-saving by pass surgery. The doctor needed to find a bypass vein somewhere in my body to make my liver and spleen function properly. They planned to risk it and take the vein from my neck. They would have ordinarily taken the vein from the second kidney — only, my surgery was much more complicated because I only had the one. My doctor explained to us that when he opened up my stomach, he saw that my “left kidney” (the one that didn’t exist) had a stray vein just sitting there without being connected or joined to any other part of my body. He called it my miracle vein. This lessened the risk of my surgery so significantly.

–When I went to visit my respiratory specialist last yr in June he explained why my situation was stable. Secondary pulmonary hypertension and hypoplastic left heart syndrome standing alone are very very dangerous diseases. But one counteracts the other. For instance, SPHT is a decrease of oxygen to the heart, and HPLS does the opposite, so thanks be to God, both these diseases together cancel the other out. To me, this is a miracle.

–I haemmorrhaged when I was 12, and the doctors warned me this might happen. If it were to happen, they told me I could bleed to death. When I did haemmorrhage, I lost almost 2 litres of blood, but it stopped by itself and I didn’t realise that I had actually vomited so much blood until two weeks later and it was not too late to receive transfusions and treatment.

–When I was at the deepest pit of depression in my life, at 21 — I was convinced that I didn’t want to live anymore. I went out one night by force… and I met a man who saw in to my eyes and made it his mission to change my life just by kind actions, kind words and loving thy neighbour (stranger!) just as Jesus did. And he did, and since the day I met this wonderful Christ-like vessel, I have never felt the same sort of depression, and through him I found my Savior, Christ Jesus.

–I wanted so badly to have someone to understand me, understand and relate to my medical issues, not be uncomfortable and for that person to just be able to chat to me about it all… And God placed this wonderful girl in my life who has been spiritually healed by Christ and has been through all the same things I have been plus more and lives with a beautiful, pure heart free of anger and bitterness and it is such a LIGHT of God in my life.

And little miracles? They are so underrated. God has worked tiny little miracles in to my life that sometimes I am able to just gloss over and not think about … but he puts things in to my life, He constantly confirms his word.

Just recently I had a bit of a downward spiral… and I had this beautiful friend praying for me (the new friend above) and while she was praying I had my eyes closed and as she asked in Jesus’ name for my heart to be lifted up to him, I had an amazing vision of my heart literally being transcended from my chest with a huge bright light surrounding. Of course it took me ages to admit this to anyone since I figured they’d think I was crazy, but to me it was a comforting little miracle from God.

THIS is how the Holy Spirit has worked in MY life….. God is REAL… I know that both my friend and I, are an exact testament to this!

Back in June, I saw that respiratory specialist again. I was told for now my condition is stable and that ‘heart/lung transplant’ is not necessary ‘yet’ (ever! since God IS going to keep me!)… and I could be completely frightened of this as I was earlier, but I know that no one in this world has the authority speak that over me. Christ Jesus is the only one who can decide my path. I thank Jesus every day for sustaining my health. I thank Him in advance for keeping me free of everything and if I believe in His truth, then I will be fine!!

And thank goodness for people dying to themselves and letting Jesus live IN them – if it weren’t for those amazing Christians, then I wouldn’t be able to call myself a follower of Christ — but however God chose me and reeled me in in the most perfect and merciful way – and I cherish that so much.

Praise the Lord.