I’ve had a pretty hard time over the past few weeks but I guess it’s nothing that I want to really share here… especially since I realised much to my slight amusement, someone was actively searching for the password for my private’d entries. I was looking through the search terms and on three different occasions was the search, “Jess’ all by myself wordpress password” lol. That person was extremely persistent. There were also some other slight variations of the search query.
I am looking forward to my trip overseas very much so. Although, I am still in the air about that because of money reasons. Especially since I think I sort of am having a dental emergency. I hurt my tooth a couple months back and have been ignoring it ever since because a, I’m frightened of the dentist and b, I’m frightened of the cost of the dentist…. but now I think it’s gotten worse. I ate something sweet yesterday afternoon and then I went out for dinner with my youth group and by the time I got home the whole left side of my face was absolutely throbbing and in the worst pain. On the upper, I was in bed by 10pm for the first time since what? 1989 lol. I am hoping it just needs a filling or something because I have had nightmares about root canal. Not to mention how much it would cost if that was necessary. I could kiss my trip goodbye in a second…. I’m scared!
Meanwhile I am selling so much stuff on ebay, just trying to make some extra money. I am going pretty well. And also, I suppose I should get selling on etsy again. I just haven’t been able to really make anything recently… but I should get in to it again. Part of the problem is getting people to actually go to the site…. And I could make new stuff, but I don’t want to spend the money on new beads and things unless I can be sure that they’ll actually sell — beads are not exactly cheap, unfortunately.
I have been taking a lot of comfort in the idea of getting away from here for a bit — hence why my trip overseas has become kind of important. Things aren’t going right in a lot of aspects. I feel like friendships that meant so much to me are dying, people have taken a step away from me — and it’s heartbreaking but on the flipside, I don’t think I could handle being cacooned in anything too intense right now… I just that I have this habit of placing people up on pedestals. It’s not fair, because they always have so much further to fall… Bahh I can’t keep writing about it, it makes me depressed. I could talk about it with other friends, but I know it makes them feel uncomfortable and I generally get a very non responsive reply in regards to the specific issue…. Almost as if, “well it’s your fault for being such a stupid girl.” … but I know it’s not my fault… I guess the lack of support from my friends is getting to me.
But what I do have, is my family and God. My Mum and my bestfriend’s mum have been great. My best friend on the other hand? I told her what happened about 2 weeks ago and I haven’t heard from her since. Part of me wants to text her and tell her exactly what I think of her as a person at the moment, how disappointed I am in her and how far away from her I feel — and the other part of me? … Why bother, you know… In life you lose people who just don’t want to be saved — or who think they don’t need to be saved. There’s only so much advice I can give, so many times I can say the same things and so many times I can put up with the self-centred attitude and lack of compassion or care about anyone or anything around her. Guess that happens when you begin to dance with the devil.
Ok, I’m a Michael Jackson fan. Yep. I love him. I have rarely mentioned him here because he doesn’t play such a significant role in my life anymore — and well, his life has been quiet for the past few years. If I’m going to be honest, I went through many years of idolising him, probably to an unhealthy degree. I was never unrealistic though, I didn’t expect to marry him (haha), or be some super duper fan who would even get the chance to meet him….
But see, I decided that I wanted to try anyway so I turned 18 and went to see him in New York and met him — and actually had the amazing opportunity to chat with him and talk to him one-on-one… (All because I was Australian and had come ’so far!’ to see him!) … It made my … world… And again I met him in California in 2005 during the molestation trial. I have no shame in saying that I went specifically to show support — perhaps another face in the crowd, but it was during my coming to God that I went along and prayed about it for awhile before deciding to go. I won’t launch in to a huge rant on how innocent I knew he was, because I know most people believe he is guilty only because they didn’t actually see what went on inside the courtroom. I had the opportunity to sit in on the court hearing for a whole week even during the testimony of the mother of the child who was accusing. And even the jury laughed at her during her testimony — and the fact that he was vindicated should be enough. (How unfortunate that it’s not… Do people question a jury when someone is found guilty?)
Anyway. So… over the past few years my interest in Michael Jackson as a person has waned considerably. He has a huge place in my heart still, and at times I miss being a carefree fan that could just live and breathe MJ all day long and feel excitement from little things such as new photos popping up online, or a visit he might do to another country — but I don’t really… Crazy right? A far cry for me, considering at one point my (amazingly talented) friend and I ran the most successful Michael Jackson fan website on the internet. (http://www.steady-laughing.com)
I was driving home from classes the other day listening to Thriller album and I was thinking, Wow, I really miss Michael Jackson. There has been talk about a new album for about a year now but I adopted a very “I’ll believe it when I see it” attitude since it took 7 years between MJ’s 2 previous albums…. Then recently a good friend of mine who I met when I went to NYC to see MJ almost 10 years ago saw him in L.A and got to hang out with him for an hour or something — told me some promising tidbits of info… but still, believe it when I see it.
Well — Michael Jackson is currently in London and has set up a press conference at 4pm at the O2 arena– and there has been talk of this for months (and I paid absolutely no attention to it) … Michael hasn’t held a proper press conference for more than 12 years… and back then there were no phones, not everyone had the internet and the digital camera world wasn’t exactly prominent….. it’s such a different time in comparison to his last tour. No one does press conferences to announce this kind of stuff — but already it’s world wide news. To be honest, I feel a bit giddy with excitement. Michael Jackson was in Australia 13 years ago this year — and I was only 13 at the time and probably the most obsessed you could imagine. (Think of a sickly 13 yr old talking about nothing but Michael Jackson all day every single day. Watching nothing but Michael Jackson videos, listening to nothing but Michael Jackson music, looking at nothing but Michael Jackson books…) I was unfortunately really sick though, and at the time of his concert, I was in hospital having a stupid bypass surgery!! … Gutted (haha, I made a funny, I was gutted – literally!) and I never let my parents forget it. (Like it was somehow their fault!) so I never got to see him live. When I was in NYC there was an opportunity for me to see him perform live but I got thwarted by some evil fans who forgot about the little Aussie girl and didn’t put me on a “list” that Michael’s security asked them to make.
So….. I think it’s fair to say, MJ probably wont be doing a lot of huge tours anymore. And while I in all honesty, don’t feel that same awe about him as a person (as in he’s not God… God is God…) I am definitely still in awe of whatever he does music wise. And while I’d probably never think about going to see him in another country to just watch him go shopping, or sit outside of a hotel with 100 other fans for a week straight — I am kind of quietly considering going to London if the concerts are later in the year.
I am sort of … bashful about it because I wouldn’t want to do something that’s morally wrong, but intentions are pretty clear…. If I didn’t go, and it was his last concerts, then I’d be in regret for awhile… But, why England!? The place where the money is probably the most expensive in comparison to Australian dollars — worse than USA!! If it were in Vegas like originally planned, it’d take me 3 months to save! I’d be there, but oh no…. it’s gotta be London. How does one find cheap accom in London? How does one afford to EAT in London???
These are all very important things to consider… lol.
So basically, after talking about it with my Mum — if I am not putting myself out financially (as in I am not sacrificing anything stupid to go), if I am able to get tickets for a reasonable price, and if my conscience is clear about my intentions — then it’s not bad to go… There could be 1000 worse things I could be doing….
After all this excitement it really would be funny if this press conference is to announce that actually there won’t be any concerts, he is tired of the rumours and thought he would come to the O2 to set things straight. Hahaha. He’s so … pretty.
There is a girl in my youth group that I met just before world youth day. I took to her immediately because she is funny and sweet. She’s almost 10 yrs younger than I am, but I can see that she has an awesome heart for God and she really wants to grow in faith. She came to World Youth Day and I saw her a few times with her friends and observed that she was getting a lot out of it in some respects, but was partying it up too hard in others.When we got back I hardly saw her — never at mass, never chatting to me on msn anymore — and not turning up to our dismal attempts at getting a post-wyd group started.
I ran in to her at Mass last Sunday and offered her a ride home and we got talking about where she was at, what she was up to and how things were going. I got the feeling she hadn’t been around her Catholic friends for some time. I also got the feeling that she only attends Mass when it suits her. (I don’t judge I was very much this way until just before World Youth Day last year – committment to Sunday Mass comes with spiritual growth) But… the very fact that she had arrived on her own and had sat through the whole Mass alone said a lot to me. It said she was obviously trying very hard and God was really in her heart. I gave her a debrief of our Youth Group issues (a case of only too many Indians and only ONE Chef that doesn’t consider anyone elses suggestions) and told her about how I was ready to get in there and create some waves and change things up (long story for another day) I invited her along and offered her a ride. She seemed keen, although I wasn’t banking on her to 100% turn up.
She did, however and I was pleased. The meeting went astoundingly well and as we drove home, I began to ask her where she was in her faith. She mentioned she really didn’t know much about anything… Her family was Catholic but didn’t go to church — they didn’t get her committment to going, etc… I was a little surprised and understood then why she wasn’t at every Mass. I asked her questions about her faith and told her where I was at — told her about my nightly Rosary, my committment to weekly Mass and sometimes weekday Mass — my work with abortion issues, and she was really interested and told me that she really wanted to learn the churches teachings properly. I was happy to hear that. I told her if ever she needed anything – even someone to say a Rosary with, or to read the bible with — anything, I’d be there… a ride to church, an answer to a question — whatever.
So our group decided to meet next thursday night for a dinner and discussion about our prayer-life and the challenges we face as young people who are faithful. She buzzed me on MSN tonight for a chat– and we talked for a little while and finally I asked her what she’d like to talk about on thursday if anything — and she basically admitted she just wanted to come to learn from me and the others who know more about their faith…. and I found it so … flattering.
Last year I made two good friends from my church. Both are male and both are in their 40s and they have both taught me so much about my faith and helped me go from being a casual Catholic to one that adores her faith and is happy to celebrate it at any given chance she has…. and I am so happy that I am managing to touch others around me — I really want to make a special impact on this girl because I guess at the age she is – there is two very different routes she can go down and I feel like it’s my (and my churchs) responsibility that we do everything in our power to make sure she takes the right path.
I thought it was high time that I got a new layout.
Sooooo…. the ball is finally rolling in my youth group at church. I will explain more about it when I am not tired. Right now, I am completely exhausted from cleaning and stuff all day. I have a private entry pending — it should be the same password as last time.
Quick update on Lent…. I’m just going to generally try to be more compassionate, nicer and quick to think of others… I also want to try to make it to more daily masses. Mondays and Wednesdays…
I think I need to have another chat to a priest to seek some guidance on the bestfriend issue, which has been really hard to deal with at the moment, but … it’ll get there. I might be seeing her this weekend.
My course is going alright now. I am enjoying what I am learning, but tomorrow night I need to knuckle down and get my head around this content management system thing…. Basically that’s all I need to say for now, will update better over the weekend.
Yep, it seems my weekends are lazy. Tomorrow I have a day off and am supposed to be meeting my friend for lunch and then perhaps going to dinner with another friend in the city somewhere. I don’t feel sad or upset at the moment, I am feeling pretty good and inspired, but… I am struggling with how to handle certain situations in my life — namely my bestfriend. She is going through a lot… and I don’t know how to help her — only, she doesn’t think she needs help and I can’t save someone who doesn’t want to be saved.
I just need to accept things that I can’t change and hand it over to Jesus.
I have to admit — I am prone to occassionally reading internet entertainment and gossip blogs — sad, but true. Recently though, I have realized how hideous they are, how demeaning and how deterimental they can be to the integrity of the people that these jokers spend their time gossiping about. I can’t escape it, it’s a product of my generation, I suppose, this whole culture of people obsessed with celebratory, fame and fortune. It drives me crazy — and I hate that I still check these blogs every few days and find amusement within it all. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not gullible — I don’t believe really much of what I’m reading, but it is deemed as fun to be ‘in the know’ (even if you’re not really getting the true facts) and is sometimes a point of conversation… but what I’ve realized is that it shouldn’t be.
There’s one guy that I don’t want to mention by name — because I am sure he gets enough hits to his hideous page as it is — who I just wish I could slap. I wish technology allowed me the advancement to be able to punch through the monitor and through the screen on his end and slug him in the nose. Of course this act of violence is extremely unChristian, hence another reason why these sites are so dangerous, lol. This man started out as some internet blogger who was obsessed with celebrities, and started to hang out in celeb hotspots in L.A and made seedy contacts who got him his gossip…. It has turned in to a right freakin’ industry for him and it’s almost… too embarrassing to watch him. He’s not particularly professional, he just looks like a middle-aged fan-boy dressed in famous clothes meeting famous people and still blogging horrific things for fun. It makes me angry – especially to see the nasty way in which he targets people.
Let’s see? He targets Miley Cyrus who is a minor by labeling her as a slut constantly throughout his page. He is an adult – I see it as no worse than cyber-bullying. He has catch names for other well-known celebrities that I have noticed other people picking up and using as household names. And I think of what a black spot it is on society, when someone is able to change the minds, condition people’s thoughts and lead them in to believing false things by just writing a couple of nasty things each day about a myriad of celebrities.
I don’t really feel sorry for celebrities – but I do believe that a lot of them wouldn’t be as messed up as they are, if the paparazzi weren’t surrounding them in gauntlets of cameras, or if “journalists” weren’t shoving them under our nose every five seconds with a new story that conflicts last weeks’ and so on. No one is afforded the right to privacy if they are have a sporting, musical, acting or political career these days, and unfortunately as a result young people (mostly) use them as a standard of what they need to look like, who they need to act like, who they should dress like — and if they don’t? Well then the belief of inadequacy sets in.
I have a good friend that works in the music industry here and it made me realize that celebrities need prayer too. Why? Because they are in the public eye – kids look up to them (we know they shouldn’t be, but they do…unfortunately) and we need to pray that they set a better standard, that their own lives may be positive and happy, so that they can set a better example to those who look to them for inspiration in areas of their lives.
I have been a Michael Jackson fan for 16 years. I know what it’s like to be constantly looking up to someone for inspiration, for encouragement for happiness — to follow another person’s example (Praise Jesus Christ that I’ve grown up and moved on from that mentality). Luckily for me, despite the (again, horrific media analysis, over-exposure and constant truth distortions) bad press, Michael Jackson was an incredibly good role model. He was against drugs, alcohol (regardless of what he did in his private life), violence, criminal activity (shut up, don’t say it.) and even the whole groupie / rockstar lifestyle. That’s what always impressed me, and lead me away from that kind of activity… but unfortunately when you have role models like Britney, Amy Winehouse… and er, these rapper people… there’s no hope, is there?
I am exhausted of the unending news reports as the death toll of the Victorian bushfires climb with no end of it in sight, so I am going to just touch on it lightly tonight and ask that you all stop right now and say a prayer for everyone who has been afflicted by the tragedy. And if you are able to, please make a donation to the Australian Red Cross.
I have a situation that occurred today where I am second-guessing myself… but it’s a little too late to bail. Before Christmas I was looking at a college course for digital design and multimedia. I emailed the course coordinator twice with questions about the course description and if it would be applicable to what I was looking to learn. He never got back to me – not once. And I have this silly phobia about cold-calling for information and will avoid it like the plague so I let it go… but then while I was away I kept kicking myself for being so silly and lazy… It’s very much within my nature to do things like that — so I resolved that I’d chase it up when I got home and try to enroll midyear if I was able to. I had another look at the website on friday and stared longingly at the course outline and noticed that it said “enrollments ongoing.” … Of course it was after 6pm, too late to call – so I had to wait until today.
I was hoping it was an off campus course because … honestly? … I’m not at all sociable in a study environment and given the little … treasures that I studied with back in 2007 — I thought it’d just be easier to avoid people. I work better alone (although, I do succumb to ridiculous procrastination) and … I find it extremely daunting to be around people that I don’t know. So I called a few times and got no answer — finally at lunch time someone picked up. It wasn’t the course coordinator – but a lecturer. I asked him minimal questions –
Is the course still taking enrollments? No, we are not offering a diploma course anymore it is only a cert iv course. That’s okay still — are you taking enrollments for that? Yes we are. Are you interested? Yes, but… well, sorry to be a pain in the butt — but see, I have a lot of experience in web design and some multimedia, but mostly just graphics and programming… Is any of the software packages based on mathematic knowledge, because that is my struggle area. No, not that I can think of — there isn’t a lot of programming involved, this is mostly for TV media, some web media and film, 2d and 3d animation. Ok great, it sounds good. Do you want to come and enroll? Yes, when do classes begin?
Tomorrow.
Crap on a stick.
So I went to the college and met with the lecturer. He went through the enrollment form. He told me it’d cost only $60 and around $10-20 for the material fees. I prayed on the way that it wouldn’t change because I had only $120 in my account that has to last me for more than a week including petrol and a bill I’ve yet to pay. Of course, though, as I spent all this time marveling at God’s mercies — something goes wrong.
Fees altogether are $180. Ack. No other funds. This wouldn’t be a problem if the classes began in a week from now — but no. They don’t allow you to attend classes til it’s paid in full. Financial aid is only given to students without concession (which is ironic, because concession students need the financial help — hence they are on concession) — so I was stuck. My Mum owes me quite a bit of money, but unfortunately wasn’t in the position to give any of it to me… So I came back home without enrolling feeling deflated and upset. I called the enrollments office to see if there was a way around it – but to no avail. I then called to see if I could get an education entry supplement. Which I can — only, they will grant it with a copy of your enrollment receipt. Darn.
Finally in the 11th hour, my Mum managed to find $50 to loan me and I managed to scrape together the rest. But while I was at home, I saw a course on the website for graphic design and I thought — maybe I chose the wrong thing. The whole way to meet with the lecturer I felt like this was God’s doing since I had prayed so much for God to put something in my life – to lead me in the right direction — if it was my own business he was leading me to — then take me toward a technological course — if it was moving out asap — then pull me to the way of a full time job that I could handle… and this pretty much popped up out of the blue unexpected so I took it as a sign — but when it didn’t go my way, I started second guessing it. Maybe it was God telling me it wasnt the right thing — or maybe it was just an obstacle that needed to be moved past to get to where God was directing me to go.
Maybe I was supposed to change my mind and do the graphic design course. But I guess, I already am an adequate graphic designer (please dont judge the banner on this website lol, that was a 5 minute mess) and you can’t teach creativity which is only where I fall short sometimes in that aspect… I have been trying to teach myself 3d and 2d animation for years but always give up at a certain point — I know it would be instrumental to getting a really amazing looking website together and would have great job prospects…. so I guess I am just worried that I jumped in headfirst.
The other issue is, is that it’s full time and on campus. 9am to 5pm days… Starting tomorrow. Ack.
Pray for me? Funnily enough, the campus that I am studying at, is in the suburb where all the bushfires have raged through the worst… let’s hope the campus is actually open. I will report back tomorrow.
How did last night go from burning hot weather to burning hot state? … You may or may not have seen, but the news tonight was just covered in story after story of bushfires ripping through my state and killing more than 84 people and destroying more than 750 homes (and that is only the count at present.) No one has been able to go back through any of the fire-gutted suburbs to check on those who were unaccounted for… It’s just such a terrible tragedy, the worst in Australian History, so they are saying on the news (although, news thrives on drama, who’s the judge of which tragedy is more or less than others) — I just can’t believe it. A work collegue of my stepfather (both police officers) lost his farm last night and all his animals — and it’s only when you hear something like that — a more personal account that the severity of it hits home.
We were lucky because our home does not back on to bush area, although the bush area begins around 2 kms away — we were well out of danger but it didn’t stop it from being a frightening experience. A couple of years ago, a small fire began in Canberra (Australia’s Capital Territory) and because of the windchange and the heavy wind speed — the fire ripped through a suburban town that was not at all surrounded by bushland, and more than 400 homes were burned down in like, less than half a day. So, regardless of how “far away” you are — when you are surrounded by fires, it doesn’t really matter – it can just be the way the wind is that will determine the severity and damage…. We were enclosed pretty much by the fires in all surrounding areas but thankfully far enough to be alright. The TV transmission tower was burned down which meant all our celestrial TV is out except a station (Channel 10) that is direct from city…. But so what, in comparison to what some others lost, we are extremely lucky.
So basically can we all please pray so hard for the people who have been unaccounted for — it’s grim, but I am praying for some survivors — and for God’s comfort to those who have lost .. well their everything — including loved ones, families, pets, houses, belongings and livelihood. Also, pray for there to be relief — for them to have somewhere and someone to turn to — for an abundance of blessings upon them for all that they have and are going through. It is devastating and hard to fathom.
To top it off, most of these fires have been deliberately lit by arsonists. I just don’t even have the words to say anything — so I’m going to bed tonight with a heartful of prayers and a boggled mind at the way things can suddenly just crumble in a matter of hours. I bet early yesterday these families didn’t think that they might be without a home, a loved one or their pets… It just makes me want to cry so hard for them.
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Sowwie.
