Dear Michael,
You made me feel important and honored in your presence, like no one else for that moment mattered to you. You extended your hand to me and squeezed it and caused my heart to flutter with more feelings than I ever knew that I held in my possession.
No one had ever made my knees weaken, my hands tremble, think carefully before expelling each word from my lips. You made me feel worthy and as beautiful, no one had as much effect on me in that respect at the time, as you did.
I’ve never experienced someone with the eerie ability to steal the coherent thoughts from my mind with a soft, deep gaze. No one else could possibly have made me feel the way you did during those precise moments.
No one living has ever been able to teach me the things that you have instilled in to me for almost my entire life, indirectly. I would never have the morals and morals that I withhold now if it weren’t for your influence.
You made me smile and you made me laugh. Your ideas and thoughts and ways of expressing them leave me feeling nothing short of touched. You gave me a little bit of security about myself, and I’ve seen you as nothing less than a safe-haven for me for so many years.
Your presence seemed to shelter me from all the stupid insecurities I felt as a teenager and young adult that sometimes felt as thought it was *~*dramatically*~* piercing me to the core. You enabled me to drift away, to “xscape”, to help me forget everything for a moment and just bask in the bliss of the magic that you created.
You amazed me. I’ve said it before and I’ll continue to say it, hopefully for the rest of my life. Somehow, you manage to uplift me just by the sound of your voice, gracefulness of a move, a gesture, a facial expression or by a spoken word.
You made me understand that I could be whatever I wanted to be if I truly believed I was worthy. You left me feeling as though I could accomplish anything, as though there’s no dream too big or too small.
But it turns bittersweet.
Sometimes I felt that you would have been lost without the adulation, though I know you wouldn’t be you without the ways that other people were so quick to taunt or tout as strange. I know that you wouldn’t never have been happy without the lifestyle in which you’ve grown accustomed to. But sometimes, I felt like I was (and not only myself alone but also, the hundred thousand others too) more of a hindrance than a help. I feel that maybe one day you could have found normalcy without us.
But I have to believe I’m wrong and that you loved us every bit as much as you told me you did, as you told others you did – as you showed us by inviting us places with you (shopping, award shows, concerts, visiting places) and by taking the time to meet us and give us the time of day that most stars or your caliber wouldn’t think to.
You have helped so many of us in so many ways and you will never ever get a chance to know exactly how much. The fact that you remain unacknowledged for the time you spend helping others, really pierces me and hurts me as it probably did, you. The fact that you were constantly the brunt of every joke, every weak pun makes my blood boil. The fact that people kept accusing you of hurting them, physically, mentally and emotionally always hurt me as much as I am sure it did, you.
I hated the name-dropping, the name-calling. I hate that you were hurt, used, ridiculed, dismissed, abused, unloved and not recognized for the heart that you seemed to be wearing upon your sleeve. I hated that I couldn’t stop it and I sometimes hate that I care so much.
Michael, I hope truly that people will see you for what you truly were rather than what they conceived you to be at the hands of entertainment. I hope they will find out about all the incredibly kind things you did for us, the fans, about the millions of undocumented money you gave away to charity without public attention. I pray Michael, that the world will see you without the ironic rose-coloured glasses that has jaded them about you for so many years. It is my hope that your life will be justly celebrated and once again that you will unify your thousands of supporters one last time.
Was it too much to take? It was time to go, Michael, God called for you — a little earlier than we all anticipated, but it’s time and I’m trying not to let myself be so consumed by grief that I am unable to celebrate your life and praise God for all that you did.
I suppose it was your last and final heartache. So you are now closer to the ever glorious Kingdom of Heaven, and you are surrounded by all the angels and saints who have been dearly watching over you and keeping you the dignified, honest man that you have always been. Watch over your children as we pray for them daily.
Michael, I will praise God that I was lucky enough to be able to tell you about what a wonder you were in my life, but I am unsure you were truly able to fathom how much your influence in my life helped me. I need you to know that I never ever expected to feel such a sense of love as I did in that when I met you, that you moved me, and made me feel like I could do anything. And Michael? You made it easy for me to remember the happiest day of my entire life.
I will never forget the last words you ever spoke to me the last time I saw you just a few years ago. I told you I loved you and that I was praying for you – that I would always see you through. And with a slight smile on your face while you squeezed my hand tightly, you said, “God bless you, thank you, I love you too.”
And Michael? Nothing has changed, I am still praying for you – I am praying for you every single day.
I’ll always, always have a special place for you in my heart.
You’re beautiful, wonderful, incredible. I love you so.
Jess
7 responses so far ↓
Anna // June 28, 2009 at 4:03 am
Hi Jessy
You were the first thing that crossed my mind when I heard the news yesterday. I’ve never been keen on MJ, but I remember you being so excited about coming to see him and how much his music has meant to you – hope you are doing ok.
*hugs*
Axx
JLT // June 28, 2009 at 9:11 am
No offense, but I dont know why people keep on having to remind me that theyve never been “keen” on him…. It just makes me feel even worse. The only reason people were never “keen” on him is because of the way the media turned him in to this monster and turned his life into everything they wanted him to be rather than everything that he was.
Michael loved and followed Jesus and 2 weeks before his death he sought counsel in a Christian church and committed his life to Jesus as he always had – but more formally. Michael knew the bible better than I do, and if anything the way he viewed life and ALWAYS turned the cheek to nasty things people said about him, taught me more about living with a Christian heart than anyone. If you think about it, you will never remember a time where Michael said anything about anyone with a malicious intent. He lived a good Christian life… with problems, yes… we all have problems… it is just not fair that people are still going to persecute him and conspire about him.
I am just so heartbroken.
I just dont really need to be constantly reminded (despite the fact that I know it is with good intentions) that he was “never their cup of tea…but”, or “he was a freak…but”, or “I wasnt ever keen on him…but”
There was nothing to hate about this man except his music by opinion. I met him more than once, my friends certainly met him and spent time the way I had… he was just so sweet… and probably in truth a little too good for this earth… unfortunately people will never know that cos theyre so caught up still, after his death about believing the stories that for the most part are extremely untrue.
I wish he could rest in peace, but it’s obvious that theyre still going to hound him even after his death.
Mibsy // June 28, 2009 at 11:20 am
Jess, this was so beautiful to read, your post about Michael. I have to tell you this: I sat in front of the TV for 3 hours on Friday morning (I get a little compulsive/obsessive sometimes) and for the first time I learned about Michael’s incredible, beautiful talent, and I truly understand what you are saying about his influence on your life, and the lives of so many. I am really glad I invested those 3 hours watching the coverage on TV, there is a huge outpouring of love and awe for this man, especially from people who actually knew him, and that says so much. So, finally, at the ripe old age of 56
I can honestly say, I totally get it about Michael Jackson.
JLT // June 28, 2009 at 11:52 am
Mibsy, lol… thank you for once again making me cry… you think I’d run out of tears, but apparently not. Nope, nothing wrong with my tear ducts.
I am glad that you said what you said. That’s a comfort to me, that some people might see the effect that he had on so many and realise that there is something to him that so many have missed out on.
btw, I wanted to add – feeling a bit less emotional at this moment — that Anna, I’m sorry if what I wrote above seemed harsh– I really didn’t mean it to be and I actually really am honored that you even thought of me… I just dont want to hear a single negative thing about him right now…which is unrealistic, I know…but still.
Anna // June 28, 2009 at 6:59 pm
Hey darling
That was what I meant! Although I wouldn’t go so far as to say hate. I’m not a fan of his genre, and didn’t want you to think I was, that is all. He was a phenomenal vocalist though and it’s a shame that all that crap in the media is going obscure that. There are still times, when he is played on the radio, that I go ‘wow.’
I confess I never paid attention to him outside of giving his music a go – what little I did see gave me the impression of a very sweet, gentle soul not really suited to the harshness of reality.
Okee – off to church now. Hope you are doing ok.
Axx
Anna // June 28, 2009 at 7:02 pm
Huh. It didn’t like the tags I put around the quote.
I was responding to your comment: There was nothing to hate about this man except his music by opinion.
Dee // July 20, 2009 at 4:10 am
Jess, I just stumbled across this page through my tears and grief, and it is so very beautiful. I am a freelance writer and yet you have written so eloquently something which I simply could not do at this time. You have perfectly described the real Michael, the inspiration, the family man, the wonderful human being that gave so many of us so much joy and an abundance of memories – not to mention the music – to treasure and to share. But most of all, he inspired so many of us to achieve, to reach our full potential, to have faith in God and never waver when the going gets tough. He taught us how to turn the other cheek in the face of adversity, ridicule, depair, false and malicious allegations, of which he had so many. He was truly a gift from God. Now, only God can save us from this terrible despair and the heartache that seems to pervade every waking moment. Only He can make us strong. He promised that He wouldn’t put us beyond what we could bear, that He would provide a way out so that we could stand up under it. I am praying that He will do this and soon, because I’m finding it so hard to go on without the wonderful gift that He sent to us in the form of the adoreable humanitarian that is Michael Jackson.