Seek and You Shall Find

I felt a bit better today. I am grateful for good friends and for the graces that come associated with persistent prayer. I praise God for the fact that when I am in times of need, I have a good bunch of people around me of whom are full of extremely wonderful and sound advice.

I explained a feeling of weight to my lovely little Catholic brother, Japs, who received a bit of a word for me that was almost a direct message… Crazy. It made me feel a whole lot better, like God is hearing my prayer (which I know He has, but sometimes it helps to have confirmation). I also talked about the way I was feeling with two of my friends and they both gave me some great advice.

I don’t know if this has happens for anyone else, but… one particular scripture always pops up in my life and it always amazes me each time it happens. The very first conversation I had with someone about God, they recited Matt 7:7-8 to me, it stuck in my head and I just loved it. So about a week or so later, I bought a bible. I was on my way home from the airport on a train and I opened it randomly (not knowing really how to ‘use’ a bible, lol) and the exact same scripture fell open (at this time I was still trying to discern what my beliefs were)… Then, I went through RCIA and a lovely lady gave me a prayer card that had a scripture (Jeremiah 29:11-13) which is almost the same scripture as Matt 7:7-8. Also, since then I have been gifted things with this scripture written, I’ve had it pop up at random times and so… today I was in a Catholic book store and I bought a prayer card with the Infant Child of Prague. I didn’t look at the back of it… I didn’t know anything was written (nevermind that it’s a prayer card… I sure gots da smarts) and at dinner I was telling lovely Sarah about how I’d been praying for God to just help me seek out what it is that i really need to be doing… and I got the stuff that I bought out and was showing her the Infant of Prague and on the back was a prayer for the Novena of Childlike Confidence. Which… uses the scriptures for Matt 7:7-8.

Well.

I feel like the big guy is saying, “Child, I am hearing what you’re saying and now you need to be patient.” (while patting me gently on my head, of course) … and so I’m now letting go and letting God. Yep, for the 35,05833rd time in my life, I am relinquishing control of everything.

On another note… I am moving forward with my Rosary ministry. I have decided to learn to make knotted Rosaries and I made a couple little things last night. I made a Rosary for the car, a small little bracelet-looking Rosary. 10 beads and a Divine Mercy medallion and crucifix. And then I made a pink Rosary with some swarovskis… I am getting faster as time goes on, now to find a cheaper supplier of pieces. I went to a Catholic bookstore of where I normally get these medallions from today and they had no centerpieces. Bugger.

And so that’s it. Sarah goes home tomorrow. I am taking her to the airport with a friend.   and then back to reality and work. Stupid work.

God bless.

So much left unsaid.

Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating. I feel like a liar or one of those people who walks around letting other people think that they are living a perfect existence, when really they’re probably more messed up inside than the people who wear their hearts on their sleeves.

Things don’t feel at this present time like they are going as they should. I pray about it, but I don’t think I pray with enough clarity. I ask for things that I have been continually praying for for years now and the desire hasn’t left my heart and the pain and sorrow is growing as I begin to feel as though the prayers and the endless talks with God are fruitless. I know I am being hard on myself, but… sometimes it’s too much to deal with.

I’m trying to start my own business. Well, the try hasn’t come in to it yet. I need a decent computer set up in order to get myself going. I was going to settle for a $1700 macbook … but with everything in my life, I usually just settle rather than getting what I really want and may possibly work out better in the long run.  So after talking to a friend of a friend, he advised me to go for the top range mac. It’ll set me back around $3100 (it’s in AUD not USD) … plus I can get a 15% discount which works out to be a fair bit off. I figure by the time I can afford it properly, it will have come down in price a bit. I will be running a web design business which I have gone back and forth on for years, but God really has confirmed that it’s what I’m supposed to be doing over the last 7 months… Only, I spend so much time second guessing myself about it that I’m still trying to discern if it’s right or not.

I have all these causes on my heart, and this apparent silly dream that I can change and / or save the world. I want to help everyone. I want everyone in the world to understand the mercy and redemption of Christ. I want everyone to feel how I feel about abortion and life and God…  I want bad things to end, I want to help in so many ways but I never feel like I’m doing enough… I want people to know about The Rosary lately, to pray it, to understand it’s special graces, to turn their hearts to The Holy Mother– and I just want to be able to help so many causes. I don’t really know where to start. I am praying for God to guide me.

A little while ago I began to make Catholic gifts for friends… and I thought maybe I could sell these and do two things.  Take $1 (or a certain percent?) from every earning and place it in to a charity. And, each item I sell can come with a Divine Mercy prayer card (The Divine Mercy is such a centerpiece of my own faith) or something that can help someone better understand or alert them of Christ’s endless mercy.

The other money can be used to save for my business and the brush up course I am paying for through a community college. If the business gets off the ground like I pray and hope it will, I will make a fair lot of money — and then I can build myself up so that I am in a better position to properly help all those causes that have been slowly but surely weighing me down.

Above is the Rosary that I made from Swarovski crystals that I made for a good friend earlier in the year. He loved it to bits, thankfully. And to the left is a bracelet that I made a little while ago. I was going to keep it, but I wanted to see if it would sell (and it did) … What I am wondering though — is what is a fair price for these things? The Rosary above was made entirely from swarovski crystals and cost me an insane amount to create… so I don’t think I could make it again unless specifically requested with a good price. (All together it cost me close to $80 to make) … but I don’t know.. it’s just a thought right now. I don’t know if it’s a good idea or a bad idea or if I even have the time.

Anyway… I am feeling extremely sorry for myself tonight for some ridiculous reason so I’m just going to go to bed and pray for the motivation to actually get some work done tomorrow and for some comfort and peace at heart.

God Bless.

Power, Love & Self-Discipline

Fear is gripping. Fear breeds fear. Fear takes control of us when we are vulnerable and distracted by the common stresses of every day life.

For me, as I explained to my sister-in-law a few days ago, if I give birth to a fear in my head — or even an insecurity, it can spiral out of control. I need to stomp it out as immediate as of when it enters my mind. If I don’t, I let it slowly veil my eyes with a hyper-paranoid view. I let it cloud my fair judgment, my ability to think clearly and even alter my physical state. I have suffered, in the past (and probably in the not-too-distant future as well), from anxiety. Anxiety attacks used to come so hard and so fast that for a long time, I didn’t know what was happening, so I let it control my every day life. I suffered my first anxiety attack when I was 11 after seeing a specialist who had delivered some really harsh news about my health right there in front of me. I cried, I saw double, my chest tightened and I was certain that I was about to die.

Obviously, I didn’t die. Nor did I die every other single time I have had suffered extreme anxiety since — although each single time a panic attack takes over me, I am certain that this will finally be the untimely end of JLT. Ha.

I realise now that it’s almost a spiritual attack. It’s listening to the voice of fear which isn’t one of God. Before having Christ in my life – anxiety ruled over me like a fascist. If I believed the voice – the fear, the one telling me that something was seriously wrong with me, I felt that same feeling over run my body like a theif stealing my sanity without warning. The room swirled, my chest got tight, I often got suddenly hysterical. Sometimes I scared everyone around me in to thinking that my illness had taken a turn. I got the shakes, the cold sweats. I needed someone around me to say, “Hey, J… stop being silly – you are absolutely fine. Nothing is wrong with you…”

After finding a life In Christ, I was able to just place all of my trust in Jesus. When I started to believe, my anxiety attacks lessened. This is why I know it’s a spiritual attack. Whenever I feel anxiety starting to creep up on me, I say firmly, “You are fine. This is just anxiety. Jesus, thank you for your peace.” if I don’t believe the fear, if I don’t give it attention it quickly falls by the wayside and is forgotten moments later. The second I give that fear a tiny bit of a look in, it breeds and multiplies and I find myself in the fetus position on my bed or on the floor in cold sweats crying because I am sure that I am about to die…

Someone in my life at the moment is suffering anxiety to the point that it is ruling her every day life. And I have tried giving her my advice but unfortunately she’s not as staunch in her faith as I am to understand that it is an attack from a place of darkness. The bible tells us, “For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love and self-discipline.” – (2 Tim 1:7) therefore I know that my (and her) trust in God will triumph over any fear that is whispered in to my head.

This bible quote is one that a friend sent to me back a few months ago when I was taking a vacation in Thailand and was also recovering from pneumonia. I had anxiety while flying, I had health less than 24 hrs in to my trip in Bangkok and I was vulnerable enough to let those voices take a good hold of me. A friend sent me this scripture and ever since I have applied to my life in so many ways.

When I get scared about a doctors appointment, I read this scripture.
When I feel anxiety starting to take over — this scripture comes in handy.
When I don’t feel confident about a project or a job…
When I want to encourage another person to reject fear…

Also, the other thing that kept me feeling covered was a special daily prayer to St. Raphael the Archangel.

“O’ Raphael of the glorious seven who stand before the throne of Him who lives and reigns, Angel of Health, the Lord has filled your hand with balm from Heaven to soothe or cure our pains. Heal or console the victims of disease, and guide our steps when doubtful of our ways.”

There is no room for fear in our lives when we live a Christ-life… With trust, love and self-discipline, all gifts from God, there will be comfort and safety and solace in the Lord.

What a day…

What a big day. My day started at 20 past 5 this morning. For anyone who knows at all will understand how impressive it was that I actually willingly arose from the insulation of my warm, toasty blanket and in to crisp, cold clothing before going outside at 6am to head off to pick up my wonderful Sarah from the airport. Traffic wasn’t too bad, I managed to arrive pretty much on time so that she wasn’t kept waiting for long.

It’s so good to be around faithful people. Maybe before the end of the next week, Sarah will do a guestblog. She has one of the most amazing testimonies in the world. (I have linked her site, actually above)

A friend loaned me this book that I am reading at the moment which I am finding pretty heavy, but also very interesting. I had a previous fear of the devil, and in fact – to even think about, I got scared. I realised that there is actually a great danger in fearing him because he preys upon fear.

This book has been really informative in helping me understand that no one has authority over the Lord Jesus Christ, not even the strongest of dark forces. All buckle under the His most High name. It is also a really interesting book from what I have read thusfar. I really need to finish it fast, because my friend has been asking for it back. Eep, I’m a bit lazy when it comes to reading faith books.

I will write more about it when I am finished reading it, because I am sure that there will be a lot more to say. One thing I did find very interesting was the subject about spirits. I know a lot of people (even close family members) who believe in ghosts and spirits of the past coming back to confirm things for them and more… This book addresses the issue with that. Amorth said that ghosts are never what you think they are. For instance, your distant cousin Rita coming from the beyond to tell you not to forget to polish your shoes on wednesday isn’t actually her. Bad spirits, demons if you will, moonlight as something positive to reinforce a beings belief in the occult or fall in to a trap of vulnerability that can and will work to the devil’s advantage.

Every day is a school day.

Leaving you with that heavy thought, I am off to get some sleep. It’s 10:30pm and this is usually like dusk for me. I am working on a much better sleeping pattern. I have some data entry to do tomorrow, so I want to get as much rest as I can. Oh and also? I cleaned my room. Just gotta tidy up a bit more in the morning, but at least my bed now has clean sheets and I can see my carpet.

God bless you, friends.

P.S — I went to a Stevie Wonder concert on Monday night with my friend and it was freaking brilliant. He is a fantastic entertainer and so amazingly blessed with such an abundance of talent. He was really clever in wit and funny as well. He put on a great show. My only complaint was that it had a very political slant (and these days I don’t consider myself to be largely political) which I didn’t like at all. Otherwise, he was fantastic.

P.P.S — I added a new page. Daily Prayers … Also, I am working on my testimony still. Work in progress, I think!

All by myself

It’s been a pretty full-on type of week already and it’s not really slowing down any. I still have plenty to do, but I have no motivation to do it. I have a very close friend coming to out here tomorrow who I will be picking up from the airport which means a really early morning for me. I forsee an extremely tiring little me come late tomorrow afternoon. Eeep.

I had a bit of a fall in Faith early this week, but I think that I am alright now. I think money issues keep climbing on top of me and make me feel really discouraged and as a result, I try to bury myself in more work and leave no time for prayer or contemplation. It’s a common and regular struggle, I’m aware, but it doesn’t make it any less frustrating. I just always strive to get through it. Last night, I attended my weekly Rosary group that I have been going to for the past month and it’s always really good. We each spent some time praying for each other during the Rosary and concentrated a lot on each other’s intentions.

Sometimes, I realise I am looking for instant moments of change. As if I’m going to suddenly jump up afterwards and bounce out of the door because I’ve just “felt the spirit” … but it never happens. I have to remind myself that sometimes God changes things with a very gradual process. Sometimes I pray, and pray and pray and eventually I see the results and even then it takes me awhile to realise it was God’s doing and Praise it back up to Him — I’m a bit human in that respect.

In any event, I’m still feeling a bit yucky in general. My stomach is still not one hundred percent, and I have been turned off so many foods, it’s not funny. No more fish, sushi, vegemite, toast, stews, salads… Crazy, right? I can’t even drink coffee — it was the last thing I drank before getting food poisoned. Oh well, maybe I’ll feel right again in a weeks time.

My birthday party was so much fun. I have posted some pictures on my flickr account which can be seen on the left menu. You’ll see me in a dress … yep, you’re witnessing history. Remind me to start working out — my legs look similar to my 70-something yr-old grandmothers’. I invited about 35 people – some of them were polite invites and not extremely close friends — it worked out perfectly because only my close friends and family turned up. None of my friends really drink or go too silly with alcohol, so there was absolutely no dramas and both of my parents turned up and even managed to exchange words without blood — always a relief.

I got so many nice things and realized just how lucky I was to be blessed with the people that are in my life. I know it sounds cliched, but truly, every single one of my friends are so good. They are sweet and loving and accept me as I am no matter what crazy hijinks I’m getting up to for that week. (And goodness knows, there is always something!) … My friend made me something really special that warmed my heart to an extent indescribable and a beautiful book for my writing… It will be so handy for something that has been on my heart for a little while.

Meanwhile after getting home my room has turned in to what looks like the room of a typical teenager, only I’m 25 and usually pretty neat and tidy… I just can’t be bothered at the moment and as a result, it looks like this…

Oh yeah, I know… I should be ashamed of myself. I might actually clean up before my lovely little friend arrives tomorrow. Might.

In other news, I now have $700 dollars toward my MAC Book Pro… Sooo expensive, but I need it! (Need or want, hehe?) I am praying for financial intervention. I am desperate to get my web design business of the ground but I need several things in order to do so, including my new computer and a confidence that can only come from Almighty God, above.

Lucky, Lucky Me.

Let it be noted, that I had not vomited in 12 yrs, 4 months and 3 days… I knew the precise date and time for a reason (not just because I am obsessive with holding weird dates to memory) … I have (had) an irrational fear of vomiting and therefore, stifled it regardless of circumstance.

I woke up friday morning before my big 12 hr drive to Sydney for my 25th birthday feeling incredibly nauseus. About 3 hrs in to the drive, I tried to go to sleep (my Mother was driving) and woke up with an emergency feeling. My Mum, in typical mum-fashion, screeched the car to a sliding halt over the side of the road, almost sending us plunging hood-first in to a chasm (ok, well it wasn’t a chasm as such, more like a 10 cm drop in to nature) I flung the door open and brought up every bit of content in my stomach (which was just water, thankfully).  I thought it was over, I felt much better. We continued on — followed the same pattern most of the way, throwing up on the side of the road like an old drunk.

Charming.

Around 10pm, we arrived at my bestfriend’s house. I vomited once more, felt mildly better but was running a temperature… My Mum left to stay with family, and I sat with my best friend’s Mum after having a warm bath, freaking out that my birthday party was in less than 24 hrs and I was still sick as a dog. About an hour later, my stomach began cramping to a degree unimaginable.  I tried to get up and go to bed, but I couldn’t stand up. I crawled my way upstairs and lay on my best friend’s bed sobbing and moaning in pain like a bear with a sore head. I’m sure it was a pleasant experience for everyone.  In the end my best friend’s Mum convinced me to let her take me to the hospital. I was frightened that maybe it was apendicitis and with my luck, it’d probably explode…. dun, dun, dunnnn.

We waited a short while and was taken in and spoken to like a prison inmate by a cold nurse. (Good sign, surely?) “Remove your clothes, put this orange robe on and put your clothes in to this plastic bag and put it under the bed and lay on the bed.” (Promptly leaving). In enters the most incompetent non-phased, doctor I have ever encountered — and let me say there have been many.  They check my heart rate – it was high. I explain that I have congenital heart defects and other complicated medical history — so this is normal. She had no idea what those heart defects were and must have asked me 12 times the names of them. I had to explain myself over and over and over and still she didn’t seem to get it. My best friend’s Mum then chimed in trying to help. But to no avail.

She tells me I can’t go home. I start to cry. Hospitals aren’t my favourite place, too many crappy childhood experiences. I tell her, I have to go home. Nay, I will be going home. She draws blood after wriggling a canular sheeth inside one of my delicate little veins. It hurt more than I was expecting. She tells me I will need IV fluids since I haven’t drunk or eaten anything. I asked if I could just drink out of a cup.

“if you’d prefer”

Uhh… you think? … No, I’d prefer you feed me through a tube ‘cos I’m too lazy to open my mouth and swallow a glass of water. Oh, I forgot to mention, in the meantime, the cramps completely left and I felt as fit as a fiddle. My stomach was growling, indicating that I was hungry – alas my appetite returned. All systems go — well, except she wasn’t letting me go.

The night progressed. We witnessed a psych patient beside us walking around naked claiming she was hungry, tired, everyone was on drugs, she wanted to die, etc… And not to forget a man who had been admitted by the police for being dangerous, attempting to kill himself and probably harming others. He somehow escaped before the sun came up. Good security.

Finally around 5:30, my blood tests came back. They showed nothing abnormal. My other results came back, everything fine. Temperature was back to normal. And so, off you go.

And so what was wrong with me?

Well… they didn’t know. In fact, they didn’t even know one of the most simplest illnesses that I outlined that I suffered. She questioned my facts on it. Mate, I’m the one who’s lived with the illness for 25 yrs. Madness.

Then through all this I remember the tempura fish that I ate last thursday. The only thing that I ate.

Food poisoning!

And the party goes on, thank God!!!

I’m armed, Catholic and … well, not so dangerous.

I realised quickly after writing my second entry that I need to be careful that I don’t sully any words of God with my own opinion. I want to reveal God, not my own opinions or any cynicism that I may be harbouring at that particular moment. The purpose of this blog is to Shephard, plain and simple… A faith builder, if you will… But with that, I have to have a greater understanding of things which can sometimes be over my head.

However, I went to a friends house on my birthday and borrowed lots and lots of his CD’s of homilies and books about The Catholic Church, things about depression from a Catholic perspective and more… So that, if I want to write about a particular topic, I will know what the Church teaches about it as well so that I can guide someone if they are going through something. Or purely to pass on a teaching or a word. It’s really important to me that I always endeavour to honor Jesus through my words and actions and in everything that I do — this being one of them.

Every day, recently, I have woken up and realised how lucky I am and how Blessed I am in my every day life. I have about 7 friends in my life, who I am so grateful to say — are just .. the bessst (in the words of my man, Nacho Libre) they are my core foundation — I can go to them about anything, talk about anything, share concerns and have fun with. I would be so lost without them and they help me become better.

I am taking leaps of faith recently — quite literally. I haven’t every really in my life been too proactive about anything. I was previously a bit of a quitter; giving up on something without really trying — or talking and talking and never actually doing.  However, somewhere along the lines I realised that I’d much prefer to be a Human doing, rather than a human being (cue symbols). Oh, don’t get me wrong, that decision was only just a recent epiphany.

I want to achieve greatness for the Glory and Honor of Jesus. To do that, I need to be strong in faith, confident with the talents God has blessed me with and not afraid by any means, to stand up and raise my voice. As I was driving to the city on wednesday after the anti-abortion protest, I was thinking about The Divine Mercy …

Recently, I went with a good friend to visit a sick family member. Together we sat by his bedside and offered up the intentions through the Divine Mercy Chaplet. I have been saying this chaplet for years — but it is just now that I’ve realised how special it is. It promises the complete remission of sins through Christ’s mercy. When you pray this Chaplet before the sick and dying, Christ promises to be a stand in not as a judge but as a savior.

“When they say this chaplet in the presence of the dying, I will stand between My Father and the dying person, not as the just Judge but as the merciful Saviour.” (Diary 1541)

So, I came up with the idea that it would be really awesome to be able to visit hospitals with a small group of people to stay The Divine Mercy Chaplet either with or around patients, to feel God working IN the places where people are fighting for lives. I brought it up with the said friend today, and we made a decision that once a week we are going to do this. Local hospitals, city hospitals — Children’s hospitals… everywhere. Souls need praying for, and I want to encourage anyone out there who is reading this to do the same if they can — or even from home. Join us, once a week… It’ll be amazing!

Also, we decided on another fantastic project that I have to say, I am for one very excited about, but I am going to keep that underwraps for awhile. ‘Cos it’s gonna be a massive work in progress, but it involves getting The Divine Mercy out there for people to get to know and to pray. We need this now more than ever.

So, the anti-abortion protest was pretty good and I am extremely happy that I went. I had reservations, I’ll be honest — I have never taken part in something like this. And as a luke-warm Catholic many months ago, I would have called it “extreme” behavior — but nothing can ever be as extreme as the hundreds of children being killed all over the world at the hands of irresponsible politicians and distraught and frightened should-be mothers.

I have some photographs. We didn’t get a great turn-out, unfortunately but it was all last minute — but I truly believe that 10 of us was better than none of us.

I talked to a lady about the kinds of things she does in order to help educate people abortion and she mentioned a lot of things that she has done through her life. I felt quite inspired by her and am seriously considering taking on a pro life activity. Pregnancy counseling or helping with NFP organisations… anything. It’s so heavy on my heart.

Jesus, be with us all.

I am off to Sydney this weekend for my big birthday hurrah. I will be back, armed with photographs that are of much higher quality and were not taken from my iphone.

God bless you all.

So, how was my birthday?

Pretty cushy.  I woke up around 7:30am by some text messages, to which I promptly ignored, put my phone on silent and rolled back over to go to sleep. I was woken properly around 8:30 to the sound of the annoying buzzing of my phone vibrating against my bedside table. I eventually pulled myself out of bed.

My mum sang me happy birthday. I lay on the couch with my Little Mermaid blanket curled up with my lovely kitten, Daisy and my beautiful little doggie, Billie and we all went to sleep for another hour or so. I hoped it was around 3pm when I woke up as I wasn’t in the greatest moods (turning 25 has turned out to be a bit depressing). My mum and I went shopping and decided to have a cheese party and then demolished a whole plate of different types of cheeses, dips and salamis (I like cheese immensely). We did this while watching season three of my favourite TV show, The (U.S) Office.

Then I talked on the phone for an hour to a friend, and then my best friend called and I chatted with her for a little while before she encouraged me to go off to a prayer meeting with some friends despite the fact that I felt like staying home and wallowing.

I am glad that she encouraged me to go because it made me feel a lot better. We prayed The Divine Mercy Chaplet and The Holy Rosary and had a good chat about this sunday’s gospel and organised to attend a pro-life protest tomorrow morning, which reminds me… I should go to sleep so I can wake up on time.

I feel good now — I got home and chatted to my friends a bit before eating dinner and organising plans for tomorrow. I’m off to the city after the pro-life protest and then going to spend the night there and see a friend the following day. We are working together on a pro-life organisation.

We need to — all Christians — fight against these current injustices. Killing a baby, an infant, a child is not right, not humane and certainly inexusible no matter your religious (or non religious) views, age, circumstance, etc… and this new Victorian law is just… diabolical.

God, have mercy.

Please don’t forget to keep praying The Rosary for the intentions of the unborn, for their right to life, their mother’s right to freedom and for all the mother’s who may be thinking or considering abortion, pray that they will have a change of heart and understand the weight of their actions.

The laws are changing, people are changing, soon anything will go as more and more people fall away from God and The Church. We need now to be as strong as ever, united as Christians to spread the word of Christ.

I truly hope we can make a change — I suppose if one person’s mind has changed by a small protest, then that’s satisfaction enough, right?

I hope we can move some hearts toward God.

God bless.

I am 25 years old today.

Well, specifically speaking it’s one minute to midnight — thus it is my birthday in one moment. Unless of course, you want me to count from the moment that I left the womb, in which case — my birthday would be as of 6:03am…. but I digress. Happy birthday to me, I’m old and all of that.

Today, I met with a friend who feels like his faith is slipping a little. I think it’s important when our friends feel as though their faith is lacking, that we should rally around them and saturate them with prayer and Christianly advice — or advise them to seek out advice from someone higher up (such as a priest).

Sometimes when we fall it’s so hard to get back up and at times it is easy to find complacency in the ease of a secular lifestyle after a wedge has been blocking your eyes from God as a result of sin. However, having been someone who’s faith is often spread quite thin, it helps just to always plough through it. Sometimes it’s extremely difficult to find the words to pray, to approach a priest, or to tell another Christian brother or sister that we have fallen far from Christ’s grace — or even to attend Mass or Church, though God is already innately within our hearts — He never gives us more than we can handle. We need to just not stop and overthink it, not scrutinise ourselves and get too caught up in feeling sorry for all the bad things we feel like we’ve done to shame God, but rather … just get up, dust ourselves off and literally force ourselves to pray, be it a whisper of a few words; “God, help me.”, “Jesus, I surrender myself to you, give me peace.”… etc.

God really will do the rest to comfort us. Anything we ask in Jesus’ name will be given.

Whenever I feel low in faith, when I feel like I have fallen, I make a beeline for reconciliation at first with a careful (and not too bleak) examination of my conscience, and then I take solace in the fact that Jesus promised peace and granted us peace — therefore, no matter what, I am OK. I start back off with some small prayers — I dare to ask friends for prayers and force myself to go to Mass and lay all of my issues at the foot of the cross.

Time passes, sometimes it’s hard — sometimes it takes longer than others — but Christ will always cover us if the sincerity is there.

And as for my birthday? I’m guessing it will be a quiet one at home with my Mum.

Fighting for what is right.

Not to start off sounding like a diary entry of Doogie Howser M.D, but recently I learned a very valuable lesson. I learned that people so easily become caught up in their own intentions and forget the cause in which they were originally fighting for.

Power struggles — By human nature, I am what many would be quick to tout as a control freak. I like being in control of how everything around me is running. I like to have a good grasp on my emotions, and govern them very carefully to particular people, determined by how important they are to me. However, since I have found faith, I have thrown all caution to the wind and have allowed God the ability to just take my heart and use it as He will — And we all know, He will.

It was said in a simple prayer, “I am yours, God, use me.”  And He has.

Around me, I constantly see people not wanting to let go and let God, as the saying goes — they prefer to talk relentlessly about their visions, their concerns, their plans, their will — their will. They are so busy talking that they haven’t stopped for a simple moment to hear God tell them His will. The find complacency while dealing with extremely delicate issues that should be approached with compassion and a certain fire that only God can fill them with.  The hunger to do what is right, to be passionate about their ministry has left them, satiated only by a need to show face, perhaps not consciously, and to appear Holy.

In the book of James, it says “Faith without works is dead” and while I strongly agree with this — there is the other side of the spectrum. Jesus condemned the Pharisees for practicing righteous acts and false piety, what was the point in carrying on with the routines if they didn’t live a righteous life outside of The Church?

It is so important for the good of our spirits, for the souls of others — that we never lose sight of what we are fighting for. There is no point in retreating or sugar-coating your convictions in terms of your faith and / or beliefs just because you don’t want to appear “too extreme” in the eyes of secularists. (This is not to say that you should go out blazing trails and fighting with vicious words and forked tongues.) There is no point in trying to take a stance on an issue if you have no real compassion or care about it.  There is no point in trying to preach to others about something that you are not correctly applying to your own life — or trying to teach others when you aren’t wholly educated yourself. In fact, it’s also quite dangerous the responsibility for slipping souls would lay heavy upon your shoulders.

My point is, is that if people stopped struggling for power – stopped trying to look good, trump themselves up to get ticks beside their name from other people around them — building their churches upon sand, then they might be able to get back to basics and hear the word of God and rectify their ways. When you ask God to use you, when you open your heart to Him, you will be filled with the graces necessary to teach from the heart, to reveal Him to others, to be a beacon of faith that steadily overflows in to the hearts of others — and become more righteous and stronger within your own faith.

I am not perfect. I have been in states of mortal sin in my life — but I am careful to always rectify that situation as immediately as when it happens (by going to confession). When in a state of mortal sin, one is not able to properly commune with God and The Church, thus leaving (you) in a position unable to, without hypocrisy, preach the gospel of Jesus Christ by example and action.

Any other control freaks out there? … Praise God for the fact that you were able to recognise it. But just let go, and let God so that you can properly grow in faith, with fire in your heart to fight for what is right.