Why did you go

I am sitting here on my phone writing this entry with a heavy heart. I am in Sydney and I am leaving for London in 3 days time. I am very, very sad. I have a certain emptiness about me that I can’t seem to fill. It just doesn’t seem fair to me.

It is nice to have a new priest at our parish who I adore. I told him a month ago my reasons for going to London and rather than judging me, he said he’d seen mj before in concert, and I would looove it….

Interesting contrast to some parishioners of whom have been a little judgememtal. For instance last night someone tried to lecture me on how I’d probably get a lot out of doing faith based stuff. And more so than going to a concert…. Marginalizing of course, my upset …. I just wanted to scream.

I am 25. I’ve always acted older and done more mature stuff with my time. I base my life around church. I organize a youth group I do children liturgy, I am on the liturgical list — I try to always do my best to get involved in everything at church including visiting the elderly and being personal taxi to young girls. I just. Want. To. Be. My. Age. For. Once. In. My. Life.

And if I want to be sad about MJ let me be. Why is it ok for people to make fun of the lives of celebs or disrespect them? Is it right as a Christian to jump on the bandwagon and pay out people just because you don’t know them and they are famous?! No. That’s still unchristian.

I told my priest very candidly last nite that I’m extremely mad at god and am finding it hard to understand why he would do this to someone and to a very very young family…. It’s not fair. He assured me it’s normal— but. Still I feel really depressed.

And now London…. Empty.

Gone

There are no words. I have never felt this heartbroken in my entire life. I have never felt so empty, so nauseas, so numb, so shocked, so… sad.

He will be forgotten as people go back to their every day lives and forget about his legacy… it’s already started.

And I feel so lost.

one last letter to a legend; michael jackson

Dear Michael,

You made me feel important and honored in your presence, like no one else for that moment mattered to you. You extended your hand to me and squeezed it and caused my heart to flutter with more feelings than I ever knew that I held in my possession.

No one had ever made my knees weaken, my hands tremble, think carefully before expelling each word from my lips. You made me feel worthy and as beautiful, no one had as much effect on me in that respect at the time, as you did.

I’ve never experienced someone with the eerie ability to steal the coherent thoughts from my mind with a soft, deep gaze. No one else could possibly have made me feel the way you did during those precise moments.

No one living has ever been able to teach me the things that you have instilled in to me for almost my entire life, indirectly. I would never have the morals and morals that I withhold now if it weren’t for your influence.

You made me smile and you made me laugh. Your ideas and thoughts and ways of expressing them leave me feeling nothing short of touched. You gave me a little bit of security about myself, and I’ve seen you as nothing less than a safe-haven for me for so many years.

Your presence seemed to shelter me from all the stupid insecurities I felt as a teenager and young adult that sometimes felt as thought it was *~*dramatically*~* piercing me to the core. You enabled me to drift away, to “xscape”, to help me forget everything for a moment and just bask in the bliss of the magic that you created.

You amazed me. I’ve said it before and I’ll continue to say it, hopefully for the rest of my life. Somehow, you manage to uplift me just by the sound of your voice, gracefulness of a move, a gesture, a facial expression or by a spoken word.

You made me understand that I could be whatever I wanted to be if I truly believed I was worthy. You left me feeling as though I could accomplish anything, as though there’s no dream too big or too small.

But it turns bittersweet.

Sometimes I felt that you would have been lost without the adulation, though I know you wouldn’t be you without the ways that other people were so quick to taunt or tout as strange. I know that you wouldn’t never have been happy without the lifestyle in which you’ve grown accustomed to. But sometimes, I felt like I was (and not only myself alone but also, the hundred thousand others too) more of a hindrance than a help. I feel that maybe one day you could have found normalcy without us.

But I have to believe I’m wrong and that you loved us every bit as much as you told me you did, as you told others you did – as you showed us by inviting us places with you (shopping, award shows, concerts, visiting places) and by taking the time to meet us and give us the time of day that most stars or your caliber wouldn’t think to.

You have helped so many of us in so many ways and you will never ever get a chance to know exactly how much. The fact that you remain unacknowledged for the time you spend helping others, really pierces me and hurts me as it probably did, you. The fact that you were constantly the brunt of every joke, every weak pun makes my blood boil. The fact that people kept accusing you of hurting them, physically, mentally and emotionally always hurt me as much as I am sure it did, you.

I hated the name-dropping, the name-calling. I hate that you were hurt, used, ridiculed, dismissed, abused, unloved and not recognized for the heart that you seemed to be wearing upon your sleeve. I hated that I couldn’t stop it and I sometimes hate that I care so much.

Michael, I hope truly that people will see you for what you truly were rather than what they conceived you to be at the hands of entertainment. I hope they will find out about all the incredibly kind things you did for us, the fans, about the millions of undocumented money you gave away to charity without public attention. I pray Michael, that the world will see you without the ironic rose-coloured glasses that has jaded them about you for so many years. It is my hope that your life will be justly celebrated and once again that you will unify your thousands of supporters one last time.

Was it too much to take? It was time to go, Michael, God called for you — a little earlier than we all anticipated, but it’s time and I’m trying not to let myself be so consumed by grief that I am unable to celebrate your life and praise God for all that you did.

I suppose it was your last and final heartache. So you are now closer to the ever glorious Kingdom of Heaven, and you are surrounded by all the angels and saints who have been dearly watching over you and keeping you the dignified, honest man that you have always been. Watch over your children as we pray for them daily.

Michael, I will praise God that I was lucky enough to be able to tell you about what a wonder you were in my life, but I am unsure you were truly able to fathom how much your influence in my life helped me. I need you to know that I never ever expected to feel such a sense of love as I did in that when I met you, that you moved me, and made me feel like I could do anything. And Michael? You made it easy for me to remember the happiest day of my entire life.

I will never forget the last words you ever spoke to me the last time I saw you just a few years ago. I told you I loved you and that I was praying for you – that I would always see you through. And with a slight smile on your face while you squeezed my hand tightly, you said, “God bless you, thank you, I love you too.”

And Michael? Nothing has changed, I am still praying for you – I am praying for you every single day.

I’ll always, always have a special place for you in my heart.

You’re beautiful, wonderful, incredible. I love you so.

Jess

Hey everyone

It’s been awhile hasn’t it? I haven’t posted anything because really, I have had so much on my plate that I haven’t really found the time if I’m going to be completely honest. I am doing very well and I will get to more frequent updates as soon as I have time to breathe.

I am busy with school, work, more work and getting ready for my trip. I am also in the middle of organising a day- conference / retreat with my youth group. I am pleased to say that it is going really well. We met with a bunch of people from Jesus Youth last night and I am pretty excited. Problem is, leading up to it I am going to be flat out with the organising and stuff with my group.

On the upper, I am feeling so good faithwise. Today I got a bit down — had a bit of an insecure day after going dress shopping and realising that nothing really looked very good on and I got home in a bit of a mood — slammed things around for a bit like a brat and told my Mum I didn’t know why I was upset, but what I did know was that I was in an eatin’ mood! … Out came the junk food (which btw, I have been so good at not eating for so long!!!) but I was saved by the phone and 2 hrs later I hung up with my Dad and felt brighter.

I am so blessed, really. I have an awesome family. My parents are awesome and my friends are awesome as… I always feel really loved. Also, God has chucked in some equally amazing opportunities and my life is doing a very dramatic 180….And my gosh… I just really am thankful. Each time I really feel a bit overwhelmed, I am able to turn to him in prayer…. To be free about prayer, free about my faith and I LOVE facebook at the moment. I am using it as a daily way to evangelise to my friends who are of little faith.

Honestly? My daily updates about the love of and freedom of Christ are doing a whole lot of good. I can’t tell you how many responses I get from people telling me how much they needed to hear it!

Our Holy Father tells us we need to embrace technology for this purpose, so I challenge any of you on facebook to do the same. Negate the rubbish that gets posted for messages that promote hope, love, and the love that God has for each of His children!! At first I was concerned about what my family contacts and secular friends would think but I tell you, confirmed for me that they were more help than trouble was a private email I got in regards to how much they helped a few struggling people.  PRAISE GOD!!!!

If anyone is wanting to keep in more steady contact with me, the best bet is by email… I am very good with emails recently. Also, obviously facebook is good as well lol. Message me here if you’d like my details.

Gotta run cos I want to be up and ready for the 7:30am Mass tomorrow morning!! PRAY FOR ME AND MY YOUTH GROUP!!!!!! make us be fruitful in spreading Christ’s love!!!!

oxoxox

God bless you all and know that you are dearly loved by God our Father Almighty!!!

What!!!

I was thinking earlier about how hard it’s been to get people to turn up to the youth group that I’m running in my church. It’s hard to get them to commit to a once per-week meeting. I get very disheartened when they tell me things, “once a week is too much! I don’t have the time!” …I just want to cry out and tell them…

“God should NOT be your side salad in a main meal!!!!!”

These days, I fit my other commitments around a God-framed day! How can you ever manage to keep clinging to Christ if you don’t involve Him in every aspect of your life!?

The sun is beginning to shine upon me again, my season of suffering is starting to drift away slowly and the cloud of unsettlement that covered me is actually starting to break apart… I am thankful for the season of dryness in my life because it made me realize something very important. My heart is still a bit raw with hurt, but I know I had to go through it to get to where I’m at now. I’ve never had my heartbroken before, but this was it…. and now it’s okay…. I’m getting there, I’m coping. My heartbreak was due mostly to what I thought was the loss of a very good friendship, but in hindsight, we both needed some space — but now it’s fine. I have learned from this to always be brave and courageous — God gave me a big lesson in humility… it was a lesson needed. And on the other side of it? I’m essentially okay with everything.

My message to you reading is to make God your #1, every single day of your life. Pray to Him! Even when you don’t have words, force it. FIND THE TIME. If you are reading this, thinking, “I don’t have the time to pray”, then I say, stop reading my blog, stop surfing the internet and instead turn your heart to prayer for a few short moments and if nothing else, thank Jesus for the peace that he promised you!!!

God bless,
J.

Thoughts & feelings & prayers.

I don’t know if I mentioned this previously, but I booked my ticket to London with my friend a few weeks ago. God is really keeping me because by an amazing grace, we got the flight for more than $1000 less than I was originally quoted. We are going to London first then we will be going to France and Italy is still up in the air. Besides the amazingly cheap flight, we managed to get free accomodation at a friends apartment on the gardens of the Sacre Couer! =))) Very excited. I wanted to go to Lourdes so much but it is so expensive and I am not going to have as much money as I thought I would which is unfortunate. but I know when I go there and see how beautiful Europe is, I will probably be just as quick to go back.

It occurred to me this morning in church just how many people need prayer. I mean, on thursday I met a guy who is struggling. I admired his courage and his fightingpower and his faith. I decided though that I need to pray for him more — this guy needs a lot of strength. And my bestfriend, she is here in my state at the moment and she also needs saturation of prayer. I love her to bits, like a sister and I have known her for 20 years or more… and she is just such a beautiful girl who is going through a very long season of struggle. I have a bunch of other people who I know are specifically going through things that I want to pray for but it gets so overwhelming. Sometimes I try to condense it by lifting up the intentions of family, friends, people that I come in contact with and people who do not yet know God, but it seems too… easy. I want to be more specific, but how do I fit all of those things in to my day?  I considered writing a list with my friend and emailing it to him so we can pray for these specific things daily… but then I thought maybe I could open another wordpress and write the list and have others add their specific prayers and allow people to post as well…  I want the people in my life — the ones who need very specific prayers to be absolutely saturated by Gods love for them…. as I am sure all people reading this would feel…

I’ve had a great time with my friends recently. You know when you just know God is present? I had that the other day. I drove all the way to the city and picked up my bestfriend. We went to get sushi rolls and then I took her to a Marian Centre just so I could pick up a gift for my friend’s new place that we were visiting. My friend was confused and thought we were going in to a bead store (cos they sell medallions for the rosaries I make) so she came in very willingly. We saw the Our Lady of Fatima statues and she began asking questions … what the images mean, and what does “fatima” mean… and I do know the story of Fatima, but I knew I wouldnt have been able to tell her off hand… so she then asked the storekeeper who got a nun to come out of the chapel and she stood with my bestfriend (a self confessed athiest) and told her the story… After a few min I expected her to get bored… but 40 minutes later when the Nun finished we walked out and my friend ranted about how amazing the story (true, she added!) was.

We got to my friends house and she told him how amazing the story was … he took us to lunch where we met his friend who has the same struggles as mine. It was just … amazing. He talked about how God has helped him through which is something I just desperately pray that with time she will completely turn her life to. We went to my friends new place to help him paint and stuff. My bestfriend is thinking of moving here to Melbourne and I was just happy that we were surrounded by good people as opposed to the influences in her daily life at home. We are thinking of moving in together after I get home from London… Later in the evening my friend drove her to the city where she was staying with a friend while I stayed back continuing on with the painting and I just had these revelations about my friendship with her. It is no real coincidence that God put her and I – the most opposite people in the world– together. We had so much fun though, we spend our time playfully insulting one another, jibing and making fun… it was just awesome.

I took some photos of her steaming the hideous wallpaper from the walls. We joked it would be the first and last time I would ever see her doing something like that… but wow, she got a lot done in a short time.

haha two goobers… running to get an extention cord not realising the plug was RIGHT THERE!

Anyhow, these are my thoughts for today. It is extremely cold and windy (hurricane-esque winds) today and I am thinking of getting a nice big pot of tea

I’ve got to tell you…

Christ died for our sins. By dying to ourselves, we are letting Christ live through us. He paid the most perfect, beautiful and loving sacrifice that no other could ever make. Like a Father he went to extreme lengths to protect us, to save us from death.

Over the past few days I have learned that God has a plan for us all. No, that’s not new information but I suppose it never really ‘hit’ me or had been reinforced or confirmed properly. I have been struggling, yes, one of the struggles is accepting God’s will and learning that as long as I stay right with God, stay strong in prayer, stay in communion with Him and with The Church then I will continue to garner His graces and will be filled with The Holy Spirit and the strength to walk with Him and talk FOR him.

Sometimes I interiorly freak out and think that I have too much on my plate. I think that I can’t handle responsibilities, stress, pressure and even the level of judgment (ironic!) from non-religious people about my traditional and moral values, but I had this revelation that no matter what I take on, if it is what God wants for me, then He will by all means give me the capacity to fulfill HIS will and HIS plan for me!

Thank you Jesus Christ for being my everything and for allowing me to see that I always look everywhere but to you first. Why are you always my last resort? Please allow me Lord to look to YOU before anything or anyone else.

My advice to anyone reading this is to always always always pray. Tell God what you want, but most importantly, LISTEN for His answers and allow HIM to speak!

How I feel…

I guess I haven’t written a lot here because I what I really want to write about isn’t actually appropriate for this particular blog. I have had my head firmly planted up my own backside for as far as the weeks can take my memory. So much has happened… so many things that have made my heart weary and heavy and so many things that have made my mind boggle.

I’ve gone back and forth on so many things and have felt extreme tests of faith. I guess my big thing is that I feel sometimes it would be so easy to walk away — to forget where God is at, to forget where the Church is at and just go the other way cos it’s easy and I could find a better way to take away my heartache… I could fill myself up with worldly things and I am sure all the temporary gain in the world could make me feel better.

Recently I find myself praying only out of desperation not of worship or thanksgiving. I pray for a reason to believe rather than a deep faith. I know these are normal struggles, but as my faith climbed the rungs of what I felt was spiritual maturity, my life started taking a nose dive and I find it so hard to get used to these highs and lows.

I thought of Jesus walking through the valley for 40 days, sweating blood and feeling sorrowful of the bitter cup he was about to drink from — and I feel like that’s somewhat like what I feel like I’ve been going through… constant suffering. I know what I am going through has nothing on what Christ suffered, but the non-ending pain, the will to want to do as GOD wills, but the sorrow that could easily lead me astray.

I know God doesn’t make mistakes, and everything I am going through is as it should be — but I just wish it would all stop hurting. I have never felt this kind of hurt before — the kind of pain that leaves me crying for days in bed. I feel betrayal and jealousy from others, avoidance, judgment — everything. I feel like there’s not a lot to look forward to anymore and even though God keeps me, everything else just feels futile and pointless. I am just so over crying and feeling sad. I just want everything back the way it was.

I know I’d never walk away from God, especially now, knowing what I know…. but I just wish the big guy would throw me a lifeline because I am so sick of phoning a friend and never getting the comfort or the fix-it that I need.

And for my next trick…

So… I got to beading… and things are really looking up at the moment. Except, I have this nasty sore spot behind and just above my ear on that bone area… It’s sore to the touch and feels like there’s a bit of pressure on it. I’m extremely concerned so I would appreciate some people praying for me about it. I have made a doctor’s appointment on Monday. But perhaps I can change it to saturday since I don’t plan on going to the city as I had expected.

These were made with catseye glass beads and swarovski bicone crystals. They are One Decade Rosary’s with pewter medallions of Holy Icons & Saints.

The second one decade rosary is a bracelet that is made with elastisised nylon so that it fits any wrist size and the top one is actually an elastisised nylon car rosary for the rearview mirror or even the home or office or wherever so that it an be used with practicality.
http://divinetreasures.etsy.com

To thee, Most Heavenly.

Sometimes I don’t understand your ways — I have no clarity and despite how much I pine for answers, you don’t always show them to me immediately. I do my best to accept your will most gracefully — although sometimes my most graceful is kicking and screaming like a two-year old’s tantrum.

I try to turn to you more prayerfully and call upon you for your love, help and direction — but as much as I fear to say it, sometimes I still feel so alone. My heart really does continue to burn with such desire for things to change — to get better, for you to help me get things right whenever I fall short, but truly? Sometimes I feel like nothing ever materializes or comes to fruition.

I ask you now, most Holy Jesus, as my Father, my heart, my King, my bestfriend — allow me to gain more clarity, more wisdom, more comfort and more understanding from following a heart that is your and not so much a heart that is mine. When I am crying and when I feel weary and alone in pain, be with me, bring me the peace that sometimes I forget that you promised me.

Don’t let me walk away — not for a second, not ever. Don’t allow my eyes to be peeled from you — not for a second, not ever. Lord Jesus, please always stand by my side — hold me, especially now, Father, sheild me with your protection and make our love for one another like armor that remains intangible. I know that you taste the salt of my tears as I cry, you feel the burn of my heart when I am in pain and never ignore the sounds of my cries when I am in resigned to a desperate solitude.

I love you.  I never want you to let me leave you. Keep me, Lord. Now and forever.

Your princess.